My Career ‘Experiment’

As I type this it’s just over year since the #covid19 pandemic hit and I’ve essentially lost all sense of time. It’s been 14 months, but I feel like I’ve aged a year for every month in this period. It’s also been such a vortex that only recently did I realize it’s almost been three years since I left my job (after lots of planning) to figure out what to do with myself.

Three years ago, when I decided to take a self imposed sabbatical, I really didn’t know what I was going to do next. I just knew I needed some time and space to explore things I didn’t have time to explore when I was working full time. I also learned very quickly that I really needed sleep and time to myself.

As a result of my public declaration of making a change I’ve heard from many that have contemplated something similar but unsure how to go about it. Also, the pandemic has for many created a new perspective on the things that matter. I thought I’d share what I’ve been up to and the things I’ve learned along the way in case it might help someone else.

the What.

The first six months post departure were a slow roll into the ‘experiment’. I did limited engagement work for my former employer which allowed me to wean off of the rhythm of work and the day to day life I was so accustomed to. It helped me let go of something I had so deeply embedded in my identity. While also exploring new things that had only ever been an idea. These new things included being trained as a postpartum doula, volunteering at my sons cooperative preschool in the classroom and on the board, volunteering for a local organization committed to parental health and through the miracle of science (#1in8) becoming pregnant again. These were all pro-active choices I made. The last chunk of time I found ways to be still and think. It was not something I managed my way into. It’s what happened when I didn’t have external noise filling me up. This last piece is a huge part of what has informed my learnings over the last three years. More on that in a bit.

Fast forward to the end of the first year of my ‘break’ and our daughter was born. We, like the rest of the world, had no idea what her first year would entail. I struggled deeply with pre and postpartum anxiety this time around. In fact I’m still struggling with that. Likely because anxiety has always been part of my existence I just didn’t know what to call it. My husband’s workplace not only has a policy around parental leave, but also encouraging non-child bearing parents to take the time. His being home in those early months was critical. Without that I don’t know where things would have gone because on some days I was paralyzed by my own brain.

From a career perspective right around when my daughter was born I started to actually read the professional pings I was getting. For that first year I didn’t even want to think about it. I didn’t have the mental space, energy or desire. However, as my life transformed into being a mother of two I found myself open to having those conversations and so I took some calls. I found myself wanting to open up my brain in this way again and actually enjoying the conversations. This is when I formed an LLC to run consulting jobs through and started to get more serious.

Slowly but surely I began to take on limited hours of consultation support leveraging my decade plus experience in People / M&A work. In some moments I thought to myself “wait, people will actually pay me for my point of view?”. To which my partner would say “yeah, you know your sh*t.”

It was awesome to be contemplating the challenges of work in a pandemic, how to navigate pronoun and identity issues in a workplace as well as supporting leaders facing tremendous change and pressure.

Around year two of this current iteration of my life I had the opportunity to step into one of those consulting engagements more deeply. I had always had this hypothesis that it was a type of work I might want to do (ie, leading up a full people function). I put the Head of People hat on for real and within six weeks it was amazing and exhilarating, but I no longer had time or space to do anything but work. I grossly underestimated how much energy it would take from me and how it would impact my overall well being. For context — this was around month six of #covid19 which definitely made it a hypothesis test on steroids.

Not knowing how this would play out I didn’t commit to the full time job, but instead the role in an interim capacity. The organization was flexible and supportive of trying to make it work for me (and them). However, I realized it wasn’t the right fit for me and parted ways after the six month test period. Maybe it was the demands of the pandemic, maybe it was the work itself, or something else. As I continue to explore I’m sure it will become more clear. No matter what my hope is that I left the organization better than I found it. I am grateful for the opportunity and trust and for the clarity to know it wasn’t working. The time away from the pressure of work ensured I could see the lack of fit faster which is a gift in itself.

As I type I am in between clients (next one starts next week) and excited about the continued iteration in this moment of career experimentation. I’m also exploring a coaching certification as well as some graduate coursework. After all — continual learning fills me up.

the Learning.

It’s hard to tease out what is the direct impetus for these learnings. For example, maybe I could have come to the same conclusion still working in some way over the entire three years? Or did I only realize these things because I’ve had to figure out how to be a working mother to young children in a pandemic. Honestly the root cause of the learning is less important to me. What’s most relevant is the fact that I have this clarity now and I must work fiercely to integrate it into my way of operating.

So what exactly have I gleaned from the last ~three years since quitting my job and experimenting in this next phase?

• I am deeply impacted by others energy and the environments in which I operate. Some folks, like my husband, can operate pretty much anywhere unfazed. That’s not me. My environment matters a lot. I am super perceptive and that means I have to be aware of what situations I put myself in. I no longer want to engage in work where the environment doesn’t work for me. Where the system takes more than I can give or gives me nothing in return. Life is too short.
• The quiet time — particularly before re-engaging in professional work — helped me remember and reconnect with why I started down the career path I was on and what I really love about it. I was reminded of the intention with which I navigated my work and why that matters. I also realized that I have to create space to stay connected with that meaning. Without it I will feel lost.
• This ‘big’ decision to quit wasn’t actually that ‘big’ after all. I have a very established pattern in my life I had not noticed before. It’s a pattern of deep learning/work and then rest. I’ve done it three times now and it’s something I need to embrace because it works for me. The prior two times were after undergrad and then graduate school. Natural transition points, but once you finish school life doesn’t present such moments so you have to make them. In fact US work culture makes you think you have to keep going and going and going. That’s nonsense and not sustainable. I fully intend to pro-actively curate moments of rest because it really works for me. I mean who really wants to save up all of their ‘rest’ time for after 65. There is a lot of life to live right now!

I’ve noticed that there aren’t many readily available examples or guides on how to navigate life decisions that are seemingly non-conformist. This might be because people doing things differently are too busy doing those things to talk about them. It also might be because there isn’t a cultural norm to encourage or talk about something seemingly a-typical. My hope, my desire, my vision is to create space to talk about how people find their path. The one that they are meant to live not the one they’ve been told to live by external factors. The more we talk about it the more it will feel like an option for others. If we were all doing the thing we were meant to do vs. the thing we think we should be doing wouldn’t that be a pretty fun and fulfilling place to be?

Would love to hear from any and all about how they are finding their path. Or maybe how you aren’t and how you want to. I’ll be sure to jot down my thoughts as I navigate this next phase of learning and work. I’m excited — I think it’s going to be great.